To be Human
by MoonSet
Summary: My first memory is my first transformation - the moment I became a monster'. Remus' story, from that first night until Hogwarts. My first multi-chapter fic, and after a couple of years I've just come back to it. Sorry I was away for so long!
1. Chapter 1

I can't remember what it's like to be human

I can't remember what it's like to be human. I have been a werewolf since the age of five. My first memory is my first transformation – the moment I became a monster. It was a night of screaming, or at least that's all I remember. I never stopped screaming. I guess the screams were all in my head, for a wolf cannot make a human noise. After that, the longest night of my life, I was myself again. Myself, but different. You can't go through something like that and stay the same person. Especially not at the age of five. Especially not when you have to repeat it each month, every month, until the day you die. Lying on the cold, hard concrete of the basement, I waited. Too weak to shout for help, let alone move, I waited. After what might have been minutes or hours the door opened from above me and I was flooded with light, light I had been praying for but how it hurt me, attacking my eyes and making me shrink away. In silence I heard my father's heavy footsteps stop as he loomed over me. Loud. Everything was so loud. But still, more than anything I wanted to hear his voice. Why wouldn't he talk to me? Was he angry? As disgusted by me as I was of myself? Then slowly, gently, he lifted me from the pool of blood I realised I had been lying in. I shrank into his warmth, breathing in the familiar, homely scent of his aftershave. But everything smelled different now. My father lay me down in my bed, still saying nothing. I drifted in and out of consciousness for the next two days, but he never left my bedside. When I woke up her was still there, watching over me, a grave look on his face. He would never leave me. But there was something missing. I cleared my dry throat, testing my voice, afraid that I had screamed it away forever. My father looked at me, and I thought I saw fear in his eyes – afraid of what I might say, of what I had become. When my voice came out it was nothing but a quiet, hoarse whisper. I did not recognise it.

'Where's Mummy?'

To this day I have never seen such a range of expressions flash across someone's face. There was relief – I was still Remus, a jolt of regret, and then I saw his heart break.

'She's gone, son. I'm sorry. She's gone. It's just you and me, now.'

Years of transformations have erased any memories of before that first night. I can no longer remember my mother.


	2. Chapter 2

I often wondered what it would be like to have a brother or sister

_Thanks for the reviews! Thought I may as well stick another chapter up instead of writing my essay, hehe._

I often wondered what it would be like to have a brother or sister. I knew it could never happen – even if my mother hadn't left, looking after me was a full time job. It took me a long time to heal from my transformations in those days. I'd be bed ridden for the best part of a week after the full moon. My father had to leave his ministry job after I was bitten. He kept the reason for his leaving covered up, told people I was sick but kept the specifics to himself. Still, people must have talked. He managed to get by working from home, writing freelance for whoever would publish him, but the money wasn't steady. He told me not to feel guilty, that all he wanted was for me to be happy, but I couldn't stand seeing him stressed about paying the bills, or writing for newspapers and magazines I knew he hated. And I was so bored! As the years went on I got older, more adjusted to my condition, but I had no one to talk to apart from my father. I didn't even know how to socialise with someone my own age. I spent my time reading, doing what I could to help my father around the house. Sometimes I'd catch him staring out of the window for hours at a time, lost in the past. He missed my mother so much, but he wouldn't talk about her. I don't think he ever forgave her for leaving us.

My father had home-schooled me as best he could, teaching me about the outside world as well as academic subjects – both magical and muggle, for he told me forlornly that he didn't know if I would be allowed a job in the magical world. We never even considered the idea of my going to Hogwarts; it was simply out of the question. I remember reading that Albus Dumbledore had become headmaster of Hogwarts; it was part of my lessons that I had to read the _Daily Prophet _every day to learn about current affairs. I didn't think anything of it, though – anything about Hogwarts was nothing to do with me.

So it was a surprise when, a few months later, my father came running into my room early in the morning with a letter in his hand and a grin on his face. I had been accepted to Hogwarts! My father had written to Dumbledore as soon as he became headmaster, explaining my situation and practically begging for him to accept me as a student. Not wanting to raise my hopes, he had told me nothing of his request. Looking at my father's jubilantly proud face, I felt a painful mixture of happiness and fear. I was leaving this haven of safety and boredom. I was going into the real world.


	3. Chapter 3

Diagon Alley terrified me. Never had I seen so many people, so many amazing things. I didn't belong here. People would realise what I was and cast me away. I kept a tight grip on my father's hand and concentrated on what he'd told me that morning. _No one will know. Act normal, keep your head down and they will accept you. _His hand steered me to the left and my breath caught in my throat - this was the real test. Ollivander's. the wand shop. _He will test your magical power, examine you to find the perfect wand. _Before I had time to catch my breath I was inside, the man himself scrutinizing me with narrowed eyes. _He knows! _Solemnly he handed me a wand Nothing happened. Would a wand even work for someone like me? My father say the panic in my eyes and squeezed tightly on my hand, a warning; _don't give anyone reason to suspect you. _Another wand, and still nothing. To this day, I am sure Ollivander knew what I was. He looked at me, thoughtful and a hint of suspicion in his face, and turned to fetch a final wand from the back.

For the first time, he spoke, 'Dragon heartstring and Walnut. An unusual combination, but then the wood came from an unusual tree. For this particular Walnut tree was a _wolf tree.' _

I felt all colour drain from my face in an instant. My only instinct was to run, but my father tightened his grip on my hand and drew himself up to his full height. When he spoke, his voice was forceful.

'Excuse me? I have never heard of such a thing.'

'A wolf tree. A tree which grows much larger than it's neighbours, robbing them of sunlight and nutrients, often leading to their death. Such a tree is rare. Formidable, but very powerful, if harnessed in the right way…' he trailed off, fixing me with a look I couldn't understand, but didn't like. He handed it to me, a knowing look in his eyes. _Please, don't work for me, _I prayed silently. I did not want to give him the pleasure of knowing his suspicions were correct. But of course, they were, and I had barely held the wand a second before blue sparks erupted from the tip. I had found my wand. Leaving the shop, and Ollivander, thankfully behind me, I wasn't sure what to think about my new wand, a wand that, though I hated to admit it, was obviously made for me. My father gave it to me encouragingly, but never did we discuss its origin as a wolf tree.


	4. Chapter 4

'R. J. Lupin?' a voice snapped my attention away from my father on the platform, still smiling worriedly at me as the train pulled away. I looked up to see an impossibly happy face grinning at me through a pair of glasses and unruly black hair, hand extended expectantly. I stared for a moment, suspicious.

'How did you know my name?'

'It's on your case. Are you ok? You look kinda pale.'

I nodded, feeling foolish. I shouldn't be so suspicious of everyone.

'First time away from home?' I nodded again, feeling even worse. He sat down. 'Is it ok if I sit in here? I was going to sit with this other boy but he went to sit with a carriage full of Slytherins.' The boy shuddered. 'Such a waste. I'm going to be a Gryffindor. So what house do you want to be in? You don't look like a Slytherin.'

'I don't know. I haven't thought about it'. I really hadn't. Seeing the look on the boy's face, I wish I hadn't spoken my mind. You can't just say whatever comes into your head when you have a secret like mine to keep. 'I mean, of course Gryffindor would be great. I'm just excited at being here at all.'

The boy surveyed me with great interest through his glasses. 'Muggle-born?'

'No - '

'Doesn't make a difference if you are…'

'My mother was a muggle, but my father's a wizard.'

The boy looked awkward. 'Oh, I'm sorry.'

'Why are you sorry?'

'Oh, I just thought… you said your mother _was_ a muggle. I just thought…'

'She left. It's fine, it was a long time ago.'

'Ok,' he looked relieved. 'I'm James, by the way.' he held out his hand again, I shook it.

'Remus. Nice to meet you.' There was a silence. I wasn't used to these situations, Just as I started to panic, trying to think of something to say, the door burst open and two boys, one tall and thin, one short and rather large, fell on top of each other.

'OUCH! Get OFF me!' Shouted the tall boy as he attempted to prise the larger boy off his leg. 'Sorry about this', he said, standing up, 'if you don't mind, we could use a safe place to sit, where my cousins won't attack anyone who speaks to me'.

'This is Sirius, the one I was telling you about', James informed me. 'And who are you?' he asked, looking inquisitively at the other boy, who was still trying to move himself from the floor.

'Peter Pettigrew', he panted, as Sirius reluctantly pulled him up. The two sat next to me and James.

'So you decided to leave the Slytherins behind you and mingle with the commoners, then, Sirius? How noble of you.' James said in a dramatic voice. Sirius scowled.

'I hate the lot of them. You know I didn't want to sit with them, James. Got back here the first chance I had. And saved Peter here along the way.'

'Ah, so you're forsaking your family right to wear green and silver then?'

I listened to the two bickering, watching Peter eagerly trying to join in. _Maybe this won't be so bad. Maybe it'll all work out ok. _

'… wait till you're at the Sorting. Then we'll see what you _really _are.' I snapped out of my thoughts. James was smiling at Sirius evilly. The Sorting. The next hurdle, the last thing that stood in my way of Hogwarts School. For now… My stomach turned over. _Then we'll see what you really are…_


	5. Chapter 5

'SLYTHERIN

_Hey! Thanks to everyone for the reviews, in reply to remuslives, I don't really know! I guess as long as people read it I'll keep it going. It'll probably go at least until the end of Hogwarts… and maybe beyond! Hehe. Anyway enjoy!_

'SLYTHERIN!' The Sorting Hat bellowed dramatically across the room, causing a cheer to erupt from the green and silver table at the far end. A smug looking girl emerged from under the hat and flounced over to join her new housemates.

'BLACK, SIRIUS', called the stern voice of a tartan-wearing teacher. I felt Sirius move forward to my right. His head was held high, but looking closely I could see he looked just as nervous as I was. He was desperate not to be put in Slytherin with the rest of his family, and despite my own anxieties I found myself hoping against hope that he would get his wish. The Sorting Hat had barely touched his head when it shouted jubilantly, 'GRYFFINDOR!', and Sirius bounded gleefully to join his rightful house. The next few classmates were sorted in a haze as I fought to keep my breathing in normal proportions. Croft, Carrow, Fiddle, Goldsmith and Larksford underwent their own private trials, and then it was my turn.

'LUPIN, REMUS!' came the steely voice. Pale, clammy and sweating profusely, I inched slowly up to the Sorting Hat as if I were walking to my death. Was it my imagination, or were the teachers staring down at me from their high table with more interest that they had the other students? Before I could give this any more thought the Hat was being placed on my head. The shining lights of the Great Hall went dark as the rim of the Hat covered my eyes.

For a moment nothing happened, then a sharp voice in my ear made me jump. _'Aah, this is different. I was getting so bored, all these children are sooo easy to sort. No challenge. Not the same with you, eh?' _Unsure of whether to answer, I remained silent. The Hat continued, _'Now then, let's see. You are afraid that you don't belong here. That you will be discovered for what you truly are and hated. This is a real possibility. You will need friends who can deal with your… problem. Hufflepuff is out of the question. You are intelligent, you are quiet. Perhaps a Ravenclaw? Ah, but no… no, there is something else. A need to prove yourself, to prove you are more than an animal. To do this you will need bravery. You do not have it yet, but perhaps some of the others' will rub off on you. Very well, it has been decided. You will be a GRYFFINDOR!' _The last bellowed word ringing in my ears, I hurried towards my new house table, elated. Slytherin had not even been mentioned! Sirius was grinning happily at me. Hands came at me from all angles, shaking my own and patting my back.

At the head of the staff table, I caught Dumbledore give me the briefest look of approval before the next student stepped under the Hat. As the Sorting Ceremony came to a close after the arrival of James and Peter, and was followed by the best meal I had even eaten, I allowed myself to think that maybe, just maybe, this would all work out.


	6. Chapter 6

My first transformation at Hogwarts was one of the most painful I can remember. The nerves I endured in the weeks leading up to that night, the fears that I would be caught out, or even worse, escape and attack someone, made the wolf inside restless. I could feel him in my human state waiting, just waiting to get out. After that night of blood and confusion I awoke, naked on the floor in a wet room of red, to the sounds of Madam Pomfrey's footsteps as she entered the room. Relatively new to the job of the school healer, she had definitely not signed up for the job of Werewolf keeper. She tried her best to keep her usual stern, neutral expression, but horror and sadness were glistening in her eyes. Wordlessly she covered me in robes and carried me to the infirmary. Had I been more awake I would have been ashamed to be seen by a stranger in this state, but as it was I drifted in and out of consciousness until I awoke the next day in bed, a huge slab of chocolate sitting next to me.

As the weeks went by and passed into months, I grew to like Madam Pomfrey. She didn't talk much, preferred to keep her stern demeanour, but she started to let slip in her own little ways that she cared. It was nice not to be treated as an invalid, as my father had so often treated me, and yet still with respect, which the staff at St. Mungo's had so often neglected to do.

So as the first year went on, I started to become complacent. I got used to my monthly routine; felt safe in it, even. My new friends wondered, of course, where I disappeared to every month, but I easily told threw them off the scent of the truth with stories of illness, either my own or that of my father, and they didn't suspect a thing.

Or at least, so I thought. Too wrapped up in enjoying school and my new found freedom, I failed to notice that my friends were much more intelligent than I gave them credit for. I did not even think anything of their quiet whisperings and secret meetings - I was glad for some peace and quiet in which to read. In reality, my act of being the invisible boy had started to slip. My frequent absences had not gone unnoticed. Neither had the scars covering my body, whose numbers seemed to multiply each month. My friends would soon bring this to my attention, and the reality of my life would come crashing back down around me.


	7. Chapter 7

It started with little things

It started with little things. The odd knowing smirk would flash across Sirius' mischievous features, or James would utter the smallest joke that I was not in on. It made me uneasy, but not so much as the looks Peter would give me every so often. Something had changed in him, no longer did he beg me for help with his charms homework, but allowed himself to be humiliated every lesson when he could not perform simple spells. He flinched if I got too close, not that I ever got close to anyone, it was in my nature by this point to keep my distance.

I told myself I was being paranoid - if they knew, they would have confronted me by now, told the whole school, they wouldn't share a room with me every night, knowing what I was. Still, that uneasy feeling only grew when one Wednesday, at the end of a particularly interesting Defence class (interesting to me, at least, they were all interesting to me) the professor announced, giving me the briefest of looks, that the next lesson would be on werewolves. Sirius and James' heads immediately snapped up from their desks towards me. Keeping my face in that neutral expression I had come to use so often, I knew that I was in trouble.

The lesson on werewolves was not until Monday, which gave me five days of tormenting nerves while I waited. James and Sirius immediately stepped up on their secrecy, often including Peter in secret whisperings, although I rarely seemed to find myself alone in a room with him to ask what they were talking about. To top it all off, the full moon fell just three nights before the dreaded lesson; already I was beginning to feel its pull on my bones.

That evening I entered the dormitory to find both James and Sirius reading ahead for our next lesson, a look of feigned innocence on their faces. This was not normal. As they saw me they slammed their books shut and regarded me with a heavy scrutiny that could not be masked by their forcedly normal expressions.

'So', Sirius began, 'we were planning the next Maraudering adventure, we haven't had one for a while, you know…' _Thank Merlin, _I thought, _maybe this is what all the fuss has been about after all. _'… and we were thinking, well, we've pretty much done all the exploring we can inside the castle. How about we move our adventures outside? Say… the Forbidden Forest?'

'Tomorrow. Friday.' James cut in with a tone of finality. _The full moon. They know. _They had that look in their eyes again. They were scrutinising me, testing me, waiting for me to break. They were about to get their wish.

'Y-you can't go outside,' I stuttered stupidly, 'not this Friday'.

'Why the hell not?' Sirius studied me sternly.

'Well… not any time. I mean, it's not safe, is it, in the Forest? You don't know what's in there.'

'We don't but you do, don't you?' The look in Sirius' eyes was turning nasty. This was getting out of my control.

'What do you mean?'

'Well, you love reading about all that stuff, don't you? You must know all the Dark Creatures living in a place like that. Thought you'd jump at the chance to see some for yourself.' James looked completely calm, unaffected by the rabid excitement that seemed to be consuming Sirius. 'Anyway, suit yourself. If you don't want to go, it's fine. We'll tell you all about it when we get back.'

'Unless there's another reason you don't want to go?' Sirius seemed to have gained control of himself again. He stared right into my eyes, asking me psychically for the truth until it felt impossible that he could not read my mind and see exactly what I was thinking. I couldn't do it.

'No, there's nothing.'

If only I had been braver and told them the truth, what they already knew, before it was too late.


	8. Chapter 8

I woke the next morning feeling sick to my stomach, my body aching to the core as it did the morning of every full moon

I woke the next morning feeling sick to my stomach, my body aching to the core as it did the morning of every full moon. But this time I was also full of anxiety – would my friends carry out their plans and explore the forest? I told myself over and over that it would not matter if they did – I had never escaped from the Shack, had no reason to believe I would tonight. The most the Marauders would know would be perhaps a howling noise in the distance. I was ashamed, but I was worried more about their finding out my secret than the possibility that they might get hurt. I tried to put it out of my mind.

We attended morning lessons, Herbology and History of Magic, as usual. And as usual on a full moon, halfway through second lesson I felt too weak to continue, and was allowed to leave by Professor Binns. As I left I thought I caught a significant look between James and Sirius, but then it was gone. As usual, I spent the rest of the day in the hospital wing, resting, before I was taken down to the Shack in the early evening. I sighed, as relaxed as I could be considering the pain I was about to endure. I was in, I was safe, and so was my secret, for another month. Or so I thought.


	9. Chapter 9

Ok, the last chapter was so ridiculously short, here's another one  I do like my cliff-hangers

Ok, the last chapter was so ridiculously short, here's another one  I do like my cliff-hangers!

Rage.

That was all I felt for a long time. A mess of bloody rage and pain. The usual, then. Not pleasant, but it was what I was used to. But then things started to change. I could feel something new, something right, something that had always been denied to me.

Prey.

There was prey close, and I was going to get it. I was starved, I was angry, and I could smell warm blood and sweaty fear, and it was coming towards me. Suddenly everything slowed down. I could see myself for the first time. I wasn't a haze of urges and anger anymore, I was hunting. This was what I was made for, what I was supposed to do. For the first time since I was bitten, my mind was clear as a wolf. It wasn't my human mind, but it worked. Silently, I crept towards the entrance. I could hear everything – not just the footsteps of my prey as it crept suicidally towards me, but each beat of its heart, each breath it took in. I had it.

I pounced.

'PROTEGO!' I was thrown back from my prey, a barrier between us that I couldn't quite pass. Things got too quick again, and the old rage took over. Before I knew it I could see two silhouettes streaking away from me and out of sight. I was alone again, and in raw, bitter fury I tore myself apart.


	10. Chapter 10

I awoke in a cold sweat, my entire body aching and in a state of panic. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and tried to slow my heart, which was pounding loud in my ears. When I finally opened my eyes it was to see a calm room, though the sheets I was lying on were stained a deep shade of red. I lay there for what seemed like hours but could not have been that long, trying to make sense of what had happened the previous night – my memories were stronger than they usually were, and I was sure that my friends were involved in them, but this thought made my blood run cold. I prayed the memories were just a dream. Just when I thought I would go made with these uncertainties, Madame Pomphrey shuffled in from her quarters – I realised it was still early, the morning light just reaching my bed from the window. Time had been going slowly during my anguish.

'How are you feeling, Remus?' She asked, more gently than normal. Alarm bells started ringing. 'Do you remember what happened last night?' She rolled me over and started to change the crimson sheets to crisp-white ones. 'James Potter is here. He wants to see you.' She saw the blank expression on my face – the truth was, even if I did remember, I was too exhausted to feel anything. I lay unanimated and weak as she bound my bleeding arms and torso, unable to think straight, to fully comprehend the gravity of what she was saying.

'Don't you worry about anything. It's not your fault, none of it. Professor Dumbledore has spoken to them all and no one else will find out. They won't tell anyone.' And with that, she was gone, disappeared behind the fold of white cloth that surrounded his bed, deceiving in their promises of purity and innocence, I thought. What ever I'd done was surely terrible; and now obviously I had been found out, uncovered. I would not be here for long. As I lay on my newly cleaned sheets, nursing my bandaged arms, I heard the curtain lift, and there before me stood James, staring down at me with the broken look of a boy suddenly far too old for his years – a look I thought I'd reserved for myself only long ago.


	11. Chapter 11

I didn't know what to say, so I just stared pitifully up at James and waited.

'Hi, Remus,' he whispered. I'd never seen him like this - he looked terrified.

'Hey,' I replied. My voice came out just as quiet as his did, and the nervous quiver added to its hoarseness just made me sound even more pathetic. 'I don't remember... did I... are you all ok?' He looked away but I kept my eyes firmly locked on his, trying to see in then what he was thinking, but I couldn't read him.

'Yeah, yeah we're all fine. We ran pretty fast when we saw it. You.' He stared fiddling with a loose cotton on his sleeve, concentrating hard on it. We both stayed silent for what was probably only a minute but seemed like so much longer. I felt the trail of one burning hot tear tracing down my cheek. This was what I'd been waiting for, what I knew was inevitable from the start. What my father had always warned me about. Suddenly, with a forceful conviction that almost made me jump, James looked me directly in the eye.

'Dumbledore pulled the three of us into his office last night and made us promise not to say anything to anyone. I want you to know now that that isn't the reason we're keeping your secret - we would have done it anyway. We've suspected it for months, Remus. If it bothered us, we would have done something about it a long time ago. It doesn't change who you are, and it doesn't change us being friends. We were stupid, and we got carried away with the excitement of it. I wish we'd just asked you about it rather than charging off trying to find out for ourselves, but now we've seen it with our own eyes, well I can see it's nothing to laugh about. So I'm sorry - can you forgive me? Forgive all of us? And we can go back to how things were before?'

I blinked, tears falling freely down my face now, stinging the cuts on my chest as they landed. He was asking me to forgive him? Had I hit my head last night during my transformation? An uncontrollable grin spread across my face, just as I heard a commotion from the door of the hospital wing and saw Madame Pomfrey being pushed aside by a gangly figure. Sirius loped next to James and looked down on my appraisingly.

'Merlin, Remus. You look awful! And why's he crying?' He said, looking uncertainly at James.

'I was just telling him how it doesn't matter to us that he's a werewolf', James explained.

'Oh, right. Well of course it doesn't! In fact, we think it's pretty cool, don't we James?' he looked at my bandaged torso and backtracked a bit. 'Well, it's obviously not so cool for you, but...' I smiled painfully, 'but we're here to help you through it now. So no more secrets, ok?'

'Ok.' I replied, unable to believe my luck. At this point, Madame Pomfrey, who had obviously been waiting for a break in conversation, bustled back over to us and herded Sirius and James out of the room. 'Come on now, Remus needs his rest. He'll be back with you in Gryffindor Tower tomorrow morning, you'll have plenty of time to talk then'. I relaxed back into my pillows and fell at once into an exhausted, but happy, sleep.


End file.
